Tenderized Meat

It is said that guys tend to treat women like they treat their cars. Being a guy myself and having observed many male friends and non friends of mine over the years, I can subscribe to this theory. Loving it when it’s shiny and new, only to then get bored with it later on. All of a sudden the car you loved begins to show sings of aging. You find a few paint scratches here and there, maybe nick in the windshield. You don’t wash it as often as you used to. Hell, maybe the car is giving you problems and you don’t want to deal with it anymore.

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This Valentine was so pretty, I cant wait until next year!

Valentines day and the days leading up to it can be some of the most stressful for first time couples. Often the guys want to really blow their girlfriends away, even if just to have the favor returned. One standard problem this creates is setting the bar.

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If there is a guy out there that hasn’t experienced a date like this, I’d like to meet him.  Click here for one of the best Craigslist posts ever!

As I sit here, on this wonderful Valentine’s Day holiday; watching dozens of text messages bombard my phone like that satellite that is going to bombard this very earth , or like the bullets that whizzed by a college in Illinois (they made ‘illa’ noise. is it to soon for that joke?) Today, a few questions arose in my head.

1. Who actually reads these?
They are never useful (unlike my Barack Obama election text updates). It’s always a retarded joke or picture or some attempt of someone to be clever that got passed through a bunch of immature idiots like a fucked up version of ‘The Telephone Game’.

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Here’s a fact: If you’re a female and posses even the most faint of good looks, you can get just about anything your heart desires from a man. Be it money, gifts, sex…all of it is yours for the taking. This scenario is the fault of the man. No, not those who are keeping us down, but men in general. We men are weak. We’re almost completely controlled by and are at the total mercy of that Oscar Meyer flesh package dangling between our legs.

This truth has been well documented throughout life.

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Tealights - a staple in the war chest of love seduction

Its Valentines Day, and I will be spending it away from my apartment. Reason being that my roommate has requested the place for him and his girl. Its been great as he has been cleaning, decorating and buying food for the fridge! Out of all of the items he has purchased, one reigns as the most important, the Tealights.

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According to the self-proclaimed “Professor of Poon,” Tom Leykis, “It’s no accident that God made the vagina in the shape of a purse.” The Los Angeles Times recently shed some light on his views. Click here to read some of Tom’s Valentine’s Day advice.

I thought I was through the rough patch. I thought I could finally watch TV in peace. But alas, Valentines Day and all its estrogen themed nausea foiled my plans. You see, there was a veritable onslaught of those jewelry commercials leading up to Christmas and it was starting to drive me a little batty.

Of course, I could have just turned the TV off and done something productive instead…but I digress.

And then for a while after Christmas, it was safe to watch TV whilst eating my baked potato dinner again.

But now, they’re back. In full force. Kay, Jared, Zales…they’re all back and just as annoying. Just with a V-Day coating. Which brings me to this simple question? Why are women stupid? Or maybe I should be asking, how bloomin’ stupid are the men who get suckered into purchasing these shiny death rocks? Real stupid. Asked and answered.

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I’m sure many of you may have read a useful digital book entitled The Mystery Method. For those of you haven’t, it’s a crash course on the art of seducing women (to make a long story short). There are tons of books like this out there, so what makes this one stand out?

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The other night I was with a group of friends at a martini lounge and saw what is know as the phenomenon “Mutton Dressed as Lamb”. This is basically when an older woman tries to get away dressing like she’s in her twenties. I want to clarify that older meaning at least 40. This one woman looked like a Pro and I don’t mean an athlete. She had a short black leather skirt and a top way too small. Small, meaning I see bread rolls. Another woman who had to be at least 45 came in wearing some lingerie top from Frederick’s. Her fake 12 pound, rock hard, bowling ball breasts were stretching the very weak fabric containing them. Her hair was so chemically damaged it looked like a witch’s broom. Her skin was so tanned by the sun that it looked like leather from your grandpa’s wallet. On top of all that, when she turned around she exposed her shoulders and back that was so tattooed it resembled a mural of some kind.
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