When I came to my long overdue senses to break up with my first girlfriend, I realized that I needed to rescue my belongings from her house prior to calling our relationship off. I had a few Super Nintendo games over there, a jacket or two, and some miscellaneous items as well. Stuff that I didn’t want to lose.

And believe me; I would never have seen my stuff again, un-burnt, had I not properly planned my exit strategy.

This chick was 100% USDA prime bitch with a temper. Not the type to kindly return one’s personal items after being on the receiving end of a dumping. You can read the results of that dumping right here.

So over the course of a few days, I made a point to systematically bring back various items of mine while I was at her house. And you best believe that I damn well got back my SNES games first and foremost.

During those few days I did my level best to pretend as if everything was ok. That I wasn’t about to dump her whorish ass and clue her in to the fact that I knew whose bed her blue Vann’s had been under.

I remember it being sort of a rush at the time. Me continuing the nice guy act as if I was none the wiser. Like I was an undercover agent looking to bust up a drug cartel. I was in effect deceiving her as she had deceived me. Although not to the same degree of course as I never got the chance to have multiple hicky-looking spots on my neck after coming back from the ‘mall’.

Yeah, the hooker mall of Babylon!

But you do learn from your mistakes. And it felt refreshing to lie to her for a change. As a result of my surprising forethought combined with experiences of others I’ve known over the years, I’ve compiled a list of preparations one should make before breaking up with your girlfriend.

Keep in mind that some of these may be more or less relevant depending on how huge of a bitch your soon-to-be ex is. For our purposes, we’ll assume your girl is a mammoth cunt with vindictive tendencies. Most of these steps are unnecessary if your girlfriend is morally centered.

1) Play It Cool

For the love of god, if you, like me, just found out your partner has been sashaying her ass all around Guytown, calm down and think things out. Rushing in and confronting her may do more harm than good. Get your facts straight, think about what could happen after you confront her, and plan. Plan your next move and for the time being, act normal.

2) Get Your Stuff

As mentioned above, immediately after you decide that you’re done with Skanky McSkankerson, think about what she has of yours and what you want back. And then devise a POA (Plan Of Action) as to how you can recover your stuff with minimal distress.

3) Do NOT Keep Her Stuff

In as much as you want your stuff out of her hands, you also want her to have possession of all her things. Don’t get petty here; it’s a big mistake. Make sure the minute you break it off to her, that she has all her belongings because if not, you’ll have to continue to deal with her one way or another. And lord knows that after you commence with the dumping, you’re not going to want to see or hear anything out of that harpy. You can do this either on the sly as part of your POA or just box her shit up and bring it with you when you tell her she’s done.

4) Use Discretion When Telling Others

Exercise extreme caution if you decide to tell your friends or family that a break up is in your immediate future. You never know how the word may spread and loose friend lips could foil your plans leaving you without the upper hand. This is especially true if you and your girlfriend have mutual friends. Trust me on this, leave them in the dark.

5) Shore Up All Financial Ties

If the person you are about to break up with owes you money, especially if it’s significant, do your best to collect NOW. You’re not getting it after you dump her so you might as well force the issue while you can. This has the potential to give away the fact that your relationship with her is not long for this world, but with the proper care and screen guild acting chops, you might be able to pull it off.

6) Change Your Passwords

Assuming you have been together with this person long enough, there is a very good chance that she’ll know or have a really good idea what you normally use for passwords. Be it for banking purposes or Internet login information, she’ll know what you use and if her bitch meter runs high, she’ll use those passwords against you. You may think this is a bit paranoid, but you’ll think differently when you log into your e-mail and see that you’ve sent donkey show jpeg’s to your English professor.

7) Live-In Tips*

If you happen to live with this chick, pile all her stuff neatly by the door with a note that she’s not welcome back. If she’s a crazy bitch who might resort to damaging your dwelling after finding her hairdryer and tampon rations stacked outside, you’re going to have to plan this break up more delicately. For example, if you live in an apartment, you might want to plan to move out at the same time you deliver the dumping. If nothing else but for a fresh start and peace of mind knowing your ex won’t have immediate access to you whenever she decides to get drunk, drive over to your place, and tempt you with her flesh wares.

If she’s a co-signer on a lease or god help you, a mortgage, ask around for a good lawyer as you probably won’t be able to play it cool for too long under those conditions.

Last Bit of Sex

This is based purely on how much you’ll miss sacking your crazed woman. If you know you’ll miss sexually pile driving this girl despite planning to split from her, then by all means get to it. The danger is when you do it more than once after you’ve mentally checked out of that relationship. You could wind up trapped by her nether regions. Kind of like when you’re in high school working retail and you realize that a few of your co-workers are older than your parents and have been working a cash register for 30+ years. You don’t want to become a lifer. Get in and get the fuck out.

Final sex prep is NOT recommended if you know she’s cheating on you unless you want a syphilitic going away present.

Most importantly, think ahead. Breaking up with someone, especially if this relationship had some measure of staying power, is not like switching cell phone providers. Removing a partner from you life is serious business for most non-gigolos. And doing so may have unintended consequences if done hastily. Knowing that you’re going to break up with someone without them knowing can be a powerful tool. Use it wisely.

*Some of the live-in tips listed here have been preached time and again by radio host Tom Leykis. More in-depth rules for living situations break ups can frequently be heard on his radio program.

Every guy who wants to get lucky needs to know how to flirt with a girl. It is an art and should not be taken lightly. Flirting correctly can get you one step closer to hooking up instead of spending Friday night playing WOW, or if done incorrectly can label you as that “creepy guy”. Thanks to justaguything they have a great article on how to get you going on the ways of flirting.

Full Article Here

Jared Fogle, made famous by losing over 245 pounds on the “Subway Diet,” recently divorced his wife of six years. Divorces happen all the time (more often than not, these days), but what makes this interesting is the whopping settlement that Mr. Fogle’s soon-to-be ex-wife, Elizabeth, will receive. Read more after the jump…

The Bosh reports that Elizabeth will receive $230,000 from Jared Fogle Inc. and 60% of the revenues from the Jared’s publishing deal for his autobiography.

I hope we can all learn from Mr. Fogle. No matter what your station in life is now, if you plan to get married, sign a prenuptial agreement! Sure, you may be a minimum-wage-making average Joe (or Joanne) now, but you never know what fortunes the future may bring to you.

Let’s hope that Jarred learns from his past, should he decide to marry one of the “series of women” that he’s been spotted with lately.

When I was young and impetuous, I dated a girl that lived 4 doors down the street from me. She was cute enough, or so I thought, and I was a horny teenager who was far from choosy. This white trash trollop was my first girlfriend. She was also my first foray into sex. Yes, I lost my virginity to the neighborhood slut.

She was also responsible for my first, and only, slap in the face. And interestingly enough, the face slap was more memorable than the popping of my virginity cherry.

You see, after I had finally secured all of my belongings that were at this girl’s house in Solid-Snake-like fashion, I called to let her know that the promiscuous jig was up. That I knew she was a dirty lying cum swasher and that we were through.

This led to her feeble attempts to deny what was so damn obvious, followed by a verbal temper tantrum that would make a man-of-the-cloth ear’s bleed. Then she hung up on me. I knew she was putting two and two together to figure out that I had nothing of value to break or destroy or whatever. Because that’s just the way she was. She had no leverage to hurt me. Or so I thought.

The next morning, queen bitch of the whore hive called me to say that she was sorry for traipsing around town with other guys and also to inform me that I left my blue boxers over at her house. And I had just bought those boxers.

I should have just let it go. But back then I was an ignorant dolt. So I went over there to retrieve them like the ignorant dolt that I was.

It was bright, beautiful Sunday morning and I had not yet eaten my traditional scrambled eggs as of yet. The air was crisp and the clouds were especially poofy that day. My neighbor’s sprinklers were on and got my pants wet on my way over there.

I’m totally serious. I remember this vividly.

I was nervous walking over to her house in part because I didn’t know what she would say or if I had the huevos to walk away had she asked for another chance. Hell, I’d already given her other chances before so what’s another one? Indeed, I was a pathetic heel.

Ringing the doorbell, I accidentally stepped in the puddle of water that always collects on her front porch. It took almost a minute for cock-suck to answer the doorbell, and I could hear what sounded like whispers coming from inside.

When she finally opened the door, she has this abnormal shit-eating grin plastered across her face. Holding my boxers in her left hand, she handed them to me and cheekily said, “here you go”. And immediately after I took possession of my under garment, she up and slapped me with her right hand.

This was no meek, lady slap. This was a full on intent to hurt slap where she actually pulled her arm back for increased force, and then swung at my face with her open hand.

Luckily, though I didn’t expect to get bitch slapped that day, I saw her hand coming towards my face at the last second. My eyes were looking downward, as I didn’t care to look that pussy trap in the face, but I managed to adjust my stance just in time for her to slap more of my forehead than my across my left cheek.

At first I was stunned. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. After all, this was the same cunt that tried to knee me in the crotch a month prior for having the gall to question our relationship when things weren’t looking so monogamous on her end.

My shock quickly turned to anger as I realized that one of her friends was looking out the side window the whole time to witness her slap me.

This was a premeditated slapping.

I wanted to hit her back, with a rock or heavy branch of some kind. But in the end, I yelled “what the fuck!?” like any self-respecting man post-slap would do, and waited for a justifiable response that would never come. She just smiled like the demon seed that she was while her friend laughed in the window.

My anger turned into relief that I was out that wolves den for good. I walked home and promptly threw my blue boxers in the trash. Lord only knows what she did to them. I chalked it up to being a casualty of dating a filthy deep-throat bitch.

The way in which I received my first slap, or should I say, first attempted slap, in the face from this girl had a pretty big impact on me. It was not unlike when Neo gets shot multiple times by Agent Smith at the end of The Matrix. For all intents and purposes he’s dead and then Trinity gives him a kiss and he wakes up to see for the first time that the Agents and the world around him are made up of code. He sees how his world really is.

It took a unwarranted slap in the face for me to realize that in order to truly see women, you must see their internal coding and understand that they’re all built with the same software, programmed to beat you, sometimes literally, into submission. This experience taught me that for every woman you come across, you must carefully look at their coding first to see if the design is fundamentally flawed.

The moment I got slapped summed up almost everything I did wrong during my first relationship tenure and solidified how I would never allow myself to be treated again.

And what do I remember about losing my virginity? That it was in the back of my Honda Civic in a church parking lot.

And yeah, it was over pretty quick.

This is a follow up to my post on hitting on girls at the gym. While I was at the gym today, waiting for my new band t-shirts to arrive in the mail, I had a great conversation with a rather beautiful young woman. This got me thinking about some ways to ensure success in the gym.

The gym can be one of the most difficult places to talk to women. And the hardest part is breaking through their defense. Women at the gym look good, and they know it. This is mainly because every single guy in the whole place is checking them out. Add into that the fact that when women work out they are in there “burning steam” mode.

Here are some tricks to help you approach girls at the gym and in other defensive situations with ease.

Not every girl will want to talk.

I address this in my last post, but its so true. Women at the gym either want to be talked to or left alone. This is not the time to “play your A Game and win over that ice queen” Look for girls that are looking around the room, making eye contact with people, or watching the TV. Generally speaking if she is just staring at herself in the mirror listening to her iPod its a no go.

Look for something different about her, use it as a prop.

Today my conversation opener was a knee brace that this beautiful girl had. A simple “why the knee brace” shows two things. A) I noticed something about you that sets you apart. B) I am interested in what you have to say, tell me more.

Prop openers where you ask a question are great.

Keep the conversation going.

This is a tough one. You are both there to work out. If you stop what your doing to stand around and chat, you risk dropping your value. Saying “Your totally more important than working out” Also although some strategists would recommend a walk away (mystery method) as a way to show your value, I would not be so quick to cut it off. Openings like this are so hard to get, try and stay on the fringe.

In todays case, I kept on my machine working my cardio. Dropped the pace a bit, but kept it up. By keeping the conversation going this way she was quickly standing in front of me talking, ignore her work out. This is a display of direct interest. SCORE!

To bounce or not to bounce?

A bounce (when you take a ‘pick up’ on an instance date, change location) is always preferred, however at the gym, it is not as important. Plus the different schedules (she may be done with her work out, you just started, etc.) poses an issue. Also do you really want to go grab coffee smelling like a locker room?

Once the conversation has a good pausing point, cut it off. “Hey, i better get back to my work out” or “my friend just got here” is a good way to cut the convo on a good note.

This is a great seed planting. Now next time you see her at the gym, you can walk right up to her and pick up were you left off, putting you in prime position to build extra momentum into a date.

When during your/her work out should you approach?

Don’t approach a girl when you first get to the gym OR when she first gets there. If you walk in and walk to her directly (as far as first time pickups are concerned) you look like that is your whole goal… picking up chicks.

Equally when a girl first walks into a gym she has a lot on her mind… including checking out all the guys. Not just you. Let her settle in and hopefully break a sweat on a machine. If a girl has already produced a good amount of endorphins, you have an increased chance of success. She will be on a simulated high point.

Get out there

As I’ve always known, just never been good at following, just go for it. Try not to make a name for yourself as the gym creep, but do talk to women. As a competitive weight lifting female once said “hey we all need to get laid”

Wouldn’t you rather eat, nap, exercise, or watch TV instead of breaking out the baby wipes to clean Junior’s ass?

Yes, this question sounds like a no-brainer, but apparently most of the world needs scientific proof. Thankfully, Reason Magazine delivered the goods.

“Economists have modeled the impact of many variables on people’s overall happiness and have consistently found that children have only a small impact. A small negative impact,” reports Harvard psychologist and happiness researcher Daniel Gilbert. In addition, the more children a person has the less happy they are. According to Gilbert, researchers have found that people derive more satisfaction from eating, exercising, shopping, napping, or watching television than taking care of their kids. “Indeed, looking after the kids appears to be only slightly more pleasant than doing housework,” asserts Gilbert in his bestselling, Stumbling on Happiness (2006).

The story goes on to explain how most parents simply delude themselves into thinking that their crumb crunchers are fountains of happiness simply because they are expensive and, quite frankly, it’s the cool thing to say in public.

So the next time your girl starts having delusions of kid-having grandeur, keep this research in mind. To read this intriguing article in its entirety, visit Reason Magazine.

We have all been in the situation at least once. More likely time and time again. You’re at the gym, and you notice some hot sweaty, Alison Carroll looking girl jogging away on the treadmill. How can you pass up the chance to try and make a move? Here are some guidelines you can follow to increase your chances.

Most girls will be on Defense Mode.

This is a fact: Girls, especially cute ones, are used to being hit on time and time again. In fact, most cute girls expect every conversation with a guy to be some attempt to get into her pants. Although this is only partially true, in the gym it’s even more so.

Direct pickup lines wont work when women are in defense mode. At the bar they may work because that girl doesn’t care if you ask if she likes her eggs scrambled or fertilized, she just wants you to talk to her, so she can go home with you. The best bet in the gym is a more casual approach - off-handed comments and minor compliments are a good start.

Today I was running on the treadmill next to a girl and poked fun at myself as an opener. “Boy, It sure makes me feel manly with a girl doubling my pace right next to me, thanks.” Goofy and silly I know, but thats all it took to get her to open up a bit. We chatted for a bit, but she eventually went back to her iPod. Strike out… sorta.

Now she knows who I am, that I’m funny, and that I can be talked to at the gym.

Use the mirrors and be subtle

Our gym has lots of mirrors. Try and place yourself in her line of sight. You can then be “looking away” and catch her watching in the mirror. This gives you a green flag. Also return the favor by letting her catch you starring a little, at her face, not her ass. Smile when she catches you. Its good for her confidence.

If a girl knows you think she is cute, its like submitting a letter of intent: “I am attracted, so be prepared”

One mans failure is another mans setup.

More than once I have  seen some hot-stuff body builder fail on a pickup line. Usually something about how hot she is, and how he’s impressed to see a girl in working out. Watch him bomb and comment on it. “It must suck having super buff macho men flocking to you….” or “I hate it when guys at the gym hit on me”

Again make her laugh and strike up the conversation.

Closing the deal.

This one is up to you. If you are getting a LOT of positive feedback I recommend an “on the way out” move. When you or her are looking to leave, say “hey would you like to grab coffee/tea sometime?” You’re not asking for lunch or her hand in marriage and chances are she wont turn it down.

If your still unsure and she happens to duck out without your chance, don’t sweat it. You will see her again at that gym. Thats the beauty of the gym. People go all the time, so you have lots of chances to meet them again.

Oh, and a prize for people who read to the end of the post.

Peacocking for the Common Man

In The Mystery Method for Introverts: Part I, we provided a brief overview of the “art of seduction,” and added a few baby steps for those who might have cold feet. For a refresher, click here. Much of the Mystery Method is self explanatory, but there are a few topics that we feel we can add a little insight into. Today’s topic: Peacocking.

To paraphrase Mystery, peacocking is the art of using attention-getting accessories to increase your responses from women in the field (hats, jewelry, etc.) The best peacocking accessories are ones that can also be used as “lock-in” props, items that you can temporarily leave with women to keep them subconsciously connected to you.

The Mystery Method poses the following question: “Is your image congruent to your identity?”

“There is a big difference between dressing well and dressing in a way that is congruent to your identity. How does a rock star dress? How does a basketball player dress? Does it convey a distinct identity? What is the impression that people will have when they see you?”

The challenge with peacocking and lock-in props is that most men cannot get away with wearing flashy, attention-getting items without being incongruent with their identity. Most of us aren’t rock stars, basketball players, Hip Hop artists, nor do we resemble Mystery, who likes to peacock with a fuzzy hat and goggles.

Here are some ideas for men who would like to add a little flair to their appearance without going over the top and looking like a try-hard.

1. Dress Hats

When I’m out on the town, I’m almost always in a button-up shirt with a nice coat, pants, and shoes. I can’t really get away with wearing things like goggles or even a regular baseball cap. These “dress hats,” as I call them (hey, I’m no fashion expert) can fit my look while offering a chance to stand out from the crowd.

2. Scarfs

This recommendation comes straight from another Tenderized Meat staffer. This seems like a no-brainer for those who live in cold climates, but the problem is that a scarf won’t stand out in a Chicago nightclub. Try pulling this of in Southern California. Be careful though, this won’t work for everyone. Make sure that your overall look is congruent to the artsy type, or the ladies may think that you’re playing for the other team!

3. Ties

This isn’t my personal favorite, but it can work in a pinch. First, make sure that your tie looks extraordinary, preferably colorful and made of silk, and worthy of attracting attention. A flat black tie just won’t do. Additionally, a tie will only catch attention in the right environment. Wearing a tie to a “black tie” affair certainly won’t make you look special.

4. Necklaces

Call me old fashion, but this word still seems to have a feminine connotation. Let’s call our version “man-necklaces.” Again, your man-necklace of choice must be congruent with your image. If you are wearing slacks and a blazer, don’t go busting into a club with some Flavor Flav-style bling hanging off of your neck. A good place to start is the basic male accessory from Anchor Blue (pictured above).

This list is just the beginning. There are plenty of unique ways to add interesting elements to your appearance. If you have some other ideas to contribute, post a comment below! These items may seem inconsequential at first, but a well-worn accessory may be just what you need to buy some time to keep a promising conversation going.

We don’t normally do news articles here at Tenderized Meat, but this one stood out.

A little background: I hate Valentine’s Day. I think it’s corporate garbage. No, I’m not going to spend money stuff because De Beers, Hallmark, Godiva and 1-800-Flowers tells me to. No, I’m not going to profess my love through a ridiculous greeting card. I’m not going to follow the flock into higher-than-normal priced restaurants so I can wait forever to be served a smaller, sappier than average portion. And don’t even get me started on what Valentine’s day is like for single people! I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was fun as a kid. But that was mostly because it involved candy.

So much do I hate this holiday, that I actually use it as part of my girlfriend pre-qualification standards (which will be the subject of an upcoming post).

Anyway, for years, my anti-Valentine’s stance has irked my mother. She has gone so far as to send Valentine’s greetings to my significant others, almost as a sort of apology for the jerk that she raised.

So it was with some entertainment that I opened my snail mail the other day, and sandwiched in between bills and ghetto furniture store fliers was a nice little pink envelope with this article clipped out of Time Magazine (my mom hasn’t yet mastered the art of sending a link). I think it was meant to make me feel bad, or perhaps my mother is just finally accepting that I will not change my stance. Either way, this is a nice little read. It’s good to see the mainstream media stepping up for once and not falling prey to the commercialism and sap of corporate Valentine’s propaganda.

Read Full Article “A Day To Forget” from Time Magazine