Tenderized Meat

When I was young and impetuous, I dated a girl that lived 4 doors down the street from me. She was cute enough, or so I thought, and I was a horny teenager who was far from choosy. This white trash trollop was my first girlfriend. She was also my first foray into sex. Yes, I lost my virginity to the neighborhood slut.

She was also responsible for my first, and only, slap in the face. And interestingly enough, the face slap was more memorable than the popping of my virginity cherry.

You see, after I had finally secured all of my belongings that were at this girl’s house in Solid-Snake-like fashion, I called to let her know that the promiscuous jig was up. That I knew she was a dirty lying cum swasher and that we were through.

This led to her feeble attempts to deny what was so damn obvious, followed by a verbal temper tantrum that would make a man-of-the-cloth ear’s bleed. Then she hung up on me. I knew she was putting two and two together to figure out that I had nothing of value to break or destroy or whatever. Because that’s just the way she was. She had no leverage to hurt me. Or so I thought.

The next morning, queen bitch of the whore hive called me to say that she was sorry for traipsing around town with other guys and also to inform me that I left my blue boxers over at her house. And I had just bought those boxers.

I should have just let it go. But back then I was an ignorant dolt. So I went over there to retrieve them like the ignorant dolt that I was.

It was bright, beautiful Sunday morning and I had not yet eaten my traditional scrambled eggs as of yet. The air was crisp and the clouds were especially poofy that day. My neighbor’s sprinklers were on and got my pants wet on my way over there.

I’m totally serious. I remember this vividly.

I was nervous walking over to her house in part because I didn’t know what she would say or if I had the huevos to walk away had she asked for another chance. Hell, I’d already given her other chances before so what’s another one? Indeed, I was a pathetic heel.

Ringing the doorbell, I accidentally stepped in the puddle of water that always collects on her front porch. It took almost a minute for cock-suck to answer the doorbell, and I could hear what sounded like whispers coming from inside.

When she finally opened the door, she has this abnormal shit-eating grin plastered across her face. Holding my boxers in her left hand, she handed them to me and cheekily said, “here you go”. And immediately after I took possession of my under garment, she up and slapped me with her right hand.

This was no meek, lady slap. This was a full on intent to hurt slap where she actually pulled her arm back for increased force, and then swung at my face with her open hand.

Luckily, though I didn’t expect to get bitch slapped that day, I saw her hand coming towards my face at the last second. My eyes were looking downward, as I didn’t care to look that pussy trap in the face, but I managed to adjust my stance just in time for her to slap more of my forehead than my across my left cheek.

At first I was stunned. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. After all, this was the same cunt that tried to knee me in the crotch a month prior for having the gall to question our relationship when things weren’t looking so monogamous on her end.

My shock quickly turned to anger as I realized that one of her friends was looking out the side window the whole time to witness her slap me.

This was a premeditated slapping.

I wanted to hit her back, with a rock or heavy branch of some kind. But in the end, I yelled “what the fuck!?” like any self-respecting man post-slap would do, and waited for a justifiable response that would never come. She just smiled like the demon seed that she was while her friend laughed in the window.

My anger turned into relief that I was out that wolves den for good. I walked home and promptly threw my blue boxers in the trash. Lord only knows what she did to them. I chalked it up to being a casualty of dating a filthy deep-throat bitch.

The way in which I received my first slap, or should I say, first attempted slap, in the face from this girl had a pretty big impact on me. It was not unlike when Neo gets shot multiple times by Agent Smith at the end of The Matrix. For all intents and purposes he’s dead and then Trinity gives him a kiss and he wakes up to see for the first time that the Agents and the world around him are made up of code. He sees how his world really is.

It took a unwarranted slap in the face for me to realize that in order to truly see women, you must see their internal coding and understand that they’re all built with the same software, programmed to beat you, sometimes literally, into submission. This experience taught me that for every woman you come across, you must carefully look at their coding first to see if the design is fundamentally flawed.

The moment I got slapped summed up almost everything I did wrong during my first relationship tenure and solidified how I would never allow myself to be treated again.

And what do I remember about losing my virginity? That it was in the back of my Honda Civic in a church parking lot.

And yeah, it was over pretty quick.

Tags: first girlfriend, virginity

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 28th, 2008 at 11:39 am and is filed under dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.