Tenderized Meat

It is said that guys tend to treat women like they treat their cars. Being a guy myself and having observed many male friends and non friends of mine over the years, I can subscribe to this theory. Loving it when it’s shiny and new, only to then get bored with it later on. All of a sudden the car you loved begins to show sings of aging. You find a few paint scratches here and there, maybe nick in the windshield. You don’t wash it as often as you used to. Hell, maybe the car is giving you problems and you don’t want to deal with it anymore.

Men also refer to cars in the female vernacular – she’s a beauty. We even have a handy saying as it relates to cars and women when we speak of trading ‘her’ in for a new model. We’re so clever.

Women, on the other hand, treat their men much differently. If you’ve been around women long enough, you’ll notice that they pay attention to one thing more than seemingly anything else – their hair. You see, women adore their own hair. To a degree that no man will ever adore his ride. It’s their lifeblood. It’s why they keep a mirror close to them at all times. Part of this is for makeup touch up, but most of it is to make sure every hair follicle strand is in the exactly place they want it to be.

And every bit of it is scary.

It’s downright frightening even how women will corner you like a caged leopard asking you how their hair looks. You can’t get out because if you say it looks fine, they question what ‘fine’ means, and if you say it looks great, they think you’re pandering to their sensibilities (you are).

The manner in which they treat their hair is also indicative of how they treat those of the opposite sex. Take for example, the way women act after they get their hair did done. They parade around like they’re in a Garnier Fructis shampoo commercial fishing for attention from every man and woman they come across. And when they start dating a new guy, you better believe she’s doing the same exact thing; dragging the poor sap around by the scruff of his dignity, showing off the fact that he’s taken to all those around her.

Women pick and preen their hair all the time, much in the way they pick and preen their men. If you’re dressed awkwardly in their eyes, they will try to fix you. Similarly, if you have a shirt to two that’s slightly faded, suddenly you need to go shopping for some new clothes.

They often complain about what their hair is ‘doing’ even though it looks the same. It doesn’t seem to be doing anything other than being obsessively brushed and tortured by its female owner. Is their something in a guy’s optic DNA that prevents us from noticing the intricacies of a woman’s hair? Must be because, baby, you’re mop looks no different than it did twenty minutes ago.

A woman’s haircut can also point you in the sexual direction she leans towards as well. If you meet a girl who sports an old fashioned haircut, indicating she’s not looking too hard for man, it’s a good bet she won’t be sleeping with you anytime soon and you can forgot about oral sex entirely. Short and funky hair usually means that she will most definitely work downtown, probably on the first date if you compliment her above-the-ass crack tattoo. This type of girl knows that there’s urgent business to attend to, and she doesn’t want long hair getting in the way of a satisfying blowjob.

Long, wavy hair = doggy style fiend. I’m just saying.

Be aware if a woman alters their hair without the requisite consulting of you or her girlfriends. Under most normal circumstances, if a girl makes a large change to her hair, she will invariably prod everyone around her as to what they think of her new hair idea. They tend to do this even for miniscule changes that only keen eyed other women will notice. Big unannounced hair changes for women are the equivalent of big saucer-like crafts of unknown alien origin hovering over major metropolitan cities: Something is wrong!

And look out if your girl significantly trims or colors her hair shortly after an argument. Especially if the two of you have not been getting along lately. It could mean that she simply wanted a change, which women often do because god help them if they had to leave their precious strands of hair the same length or color for more than a month. Or it could single the beginning of something…else.

Sometimes this sudden hair/attitude change is blatant. An extreme example of this would be if you came home and your long haired beauty now looks like G.I. Jane. There’s no two ways about it; your ass is getting kicked out of the homestead and consider all your prized belongings damaged or broken. She wants nothing to do with you and shaving her head is symbolic of purging herself of your presence. And that’s probably for the best, even if she has a Demi Moore bust line.

Sometimes this abrupt hair transformation signals something more devious. If she significantly cuts her hair shorter, it could be a sign that she cheated on you. If she completely altered the color, like black to blonde, or brown to 5^th Element orange, she’s already cheated on you.

These are the kind of stupid things that guys should be cognizant of because many times women will resist coming clean about the fact that they’ve moved on. She doesn’t want to be the one to cut it off verbally even though she already has pelvicly. She’s talking to you through her hair. Lord knows that guys don’t listen to what women say anyway so you might as well pay attention to what she’s not saying. And trust that her hair actions will speak louder than her words.

Tags: hairsyles, women

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 17th, 2008 at 11:16 pm and is filed under dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.