8 Ways to Prepare Before a Break Up
When I came to my long overdue senses to break up with my first girlfriend, I realized that I needed to rescue my belongings from her house prior to calling our relationship off. I had a few Super Nintendo games over there, a jacket or two, and some miscellaneous items as well. Stuff that I didn’t want to lose.
And believe me; I would never have seen my stuff again, un-burnt, had I not properly planned my exit strategy.
This chick was 100% USDA prime bitch with a temper. Not the type to kindly return one’s personal items after being on the receiving end of a dumping. You can read the results of that dumping right here.
So over the course of a few days, I made a point to systematically bring back various items of mine while I was at her house. And you best believe that I damn well got back my SNES games first and foremost.
During those few days I did my level best to pretend as if everything was ok. That I wasn’t about to dump her whorish ass and clue her in to the fact that I knew whose bed her blue Vann’s had been under.
I remember it being sort of a rush at the time. Me continuing the nice guy act as if I was none the wiser. Like I was an undercover agent looking to bust up a drug cartel. I was in effect deceiving her as she had deceived me. Although not to the same degree of course as I never got the chance to have multiple hicky-looking spots on my neck after coming back from the ‘mall’.
Yeah, the hooker mall of Babylon!
But you do learn from your mistakes. And it felt refreshing to lie to her for a change. As a result of my surprising forethought combined with experiences of others I’ve known over the years, I’ve compiled a list of preparations one should make before breaking up with your girlfriend.
Keep in mind that some of these may be more or less relevant depending on how huge of a bitch your soon-to-be ex is. For our purposes, we’ll assume your girl is a mammoth cunt with vindictive tendencies. Most of these steps are unnecessary if your girlfriend is morally centered.
1) Play It Cool
For the love of god, if you, like me, just found out your partner has been sashaying her ass all around Guytown, calm down and think things out. Rushing in and confronting her may do more harm than good. Get your facts straight, think about what could happen after you confront her, and plan. Plan your next move and for the time being, act normal.
2) Get Your Stuff
As mentioned above, immediately after you decide that you’re done with Skanky McSkankerson, think about what she has of yours and what you want back. And then devise a POA (Plan Of Action) as to how you can recover your stuff with minimal distress.
3) Do NOT Keep Her Stuff
In as much as you want your stuff out of her hands, you also want her to have possession of all her things. Don’t get petty here; it’s a big mistake. Make sure the minute you break it off to her, that she has all her belongings because if not, you’ll have to continue to deal with her one way or another. And lord knows that after you commence with the dumping, you’re not going to want to see or hear anything out of that harpy. You can do this either on the sly as part of your POA or just box her shit up and bring it with you when you tell her she’s done.
4) Use Discretion When Telling Others
Exercise extreme caution if you decide to tell your friends or family that a break up is in your immediate future. You never know how the word may spread and loose friend lips could foil your plans leaving you without the upper hand. This is especially true if you and your girlfriend have mutual friends. Trust me on this, leave them in the dark.
5) Shore Up All Financial Ties
If the person you are about to break up with owes you money, especially if it’s significant, do your best to collect NOW. You’re not getting it after you dump her so you might as well force the issue while you can. This has the potential to give away the fact that your relationship with her is not long for this world, but with the proper care and screen guild acting chops, you might be able to pull it off.
6) Change Your Passwords
Assuming you have been together with this person long enough, there is a very good chance that she’ll know or have a really good idea what you normally use for passwords. Be it for banking purposes or Internet login information, she’ll know what you use and if her bitch meter runs high, she’ll use those passwords against you. You may think this is a bit paranoid, but you’ll think differently when you log into your e-mail and see that you’ve sent donkey show jpeg’s to your English professor.
7) Live-In Tips*
If you happen to live with this chick, pile all her stuff neatly by the door with a note that she’s not welcome back. If she’s a crazy bitch who might resort to damaging your dwelling after finding her hairdryer and tampon rations stacked outside, you’re going to have to plan this break up more delicately. For example, if you live in an apartment, you might want to plan to move out at the same time you deliver the dumping. If nothing else but for a fresh start and peace of mind knowing your ex won’t have immediate access to you whenever she decides to get drunk, drive over to your place, and tempt you with her flesh wares.
If she’s a co-signer on a lease or god help you, a mortgage, ask around for a good lawyer as you probably won’t be able to play it cool for too long under those conditions.
Last Bit of Sex
This is based purely on how much you’ll miss sacking your crazed woman. If you know you’ll miss sexually pile driving this girl despite planning to split from her, then by all means get to it. The danger is when you do it more than once after you’ve mentally checked out of that relationship. You could wind up trapped by her nether regions. Kind of like when you’re in high school working retail and you realize that a few of your co-workers are older than your parents and have been working a cash register for 30+ years. You don’t want to become a lifer. Get in and get the fuck out.
Final sex prep is NOT recommended if you know she’s cheating on you unless you want a syphilitic going away present.
Most importantly, think ahead. Breaking up with someone, especially if this relationship had some measure of staying power, is not like switching cell phone providers. Removing a partner from you life is serious business for most non-gigolos. And doing so may have unintended consequences if done hastily. Knowing that you’re going to break up with someone without them knowing can be a powerful tool. Use it wisely.
*Some of the live-in tips listed here have been preached time and again by radio host Tom Leykis. More in-depth rules for living situations break ups can frequently be heard on his radio program.
Tags: break up, girlfriend